As a life coach and therapist, I often hear my female clients share their experiences of ‘not feeling good enough’. Whether it be in their work, their different roles in life or reaching their goals. I think we’re experiencing an epidemic of low self-esteem. Why? Because we’re playing the comparison game.

When I was growing up, I compared myself to the girls at my school, around 20-30 of them. Today we have the entire internet – with the millions of people we encounter on social media every single day – to compare ourselves with. How can we break the cycle of insecurity and low self-esteem and always thinking ‘I’m not good enough’?

People pleasing is killing us

I listened to a podcast the other day with a professor who said, ‘Heart attacks and strokes in the 40-50 age range have been decreasing among men but increasing among women. He added, ‘for me, it’s unclear what the reason is’, and left me chewing on that.

I’m by no means an expert in heart diseases, but from my experience working with hundreds of women for almost a decade, I have a theory.

From an early age we women hear we need to be good girls, don’t make a fuss, don’t disappoint, look good and perform well. People-pleasing becomes our second nature. We do everything we can for people to like us and receive praise and pats on the back. And when we don’t, then we try even harder.

And harder.

And harder.

And harder.

We tell ourselves, ‘I’m not smart, skilled, capable, talented, attractive or thin enough’ and we start playing the comparison game.

We study, work, get another degree, climb the ladder, work, give birth, bring up children, work, spend time improving our looks, work, and we’re wondering why we’re so tired. Women take on, not only physical responsibility, but also the emotional load, more than men. No wonder a lot of women at some point in their lives are close to burnout!

If we’re haunted by the belief that we’re ‘only good enough’ when we’re productive, constantly busy and successful human beings, our mental health will suffer. Our hearts will eventually suffer.

Give yourself rest

Are you someone who is constantly stressing about not doing enough? Thinking there’s always more you need to do? Feeling anxious because there is never an end to your to-do list?

You force yourself to keep going even if your intuition tells you that what you’re doing is not good for you, ignoring the physical signals that you need rest.

In the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, they call it “Human Giver Syndrome”. It means that no matter what you are going through or how tired you are, you prefer to take care of others first.

We give it our all at work, with our partner, our children and our friends. We give a smile to everyone around while that voice inside screams ‘I NEED TO REST’! Read my blog ‘Give yourself permission to rest: 7 ways to quiet your thoughts’, to learn how I fell into the productivity trap during lockdown, and read some practical tips on how to nourish your nervous system.

The comparison game

Wherever you look you will find someone who is more ‘enough’ than you are. Someone is prettier, cooler, more successful, thinner, happier, smarter or has a nicer home than you have. At least on the outside.

You never see the hundreds of images they edited away. You never see their despair trying to meet deadlines or putting small kids to bed while they can hardly keep their eyes open.

You don’t see the dark circles under their eyes.

All the women out there struggle too, and no matter how perfect their lives look, most of them are affected by the ‘I’m not good enough’ epidemic.

My personal story

Are you playing the comparison game?

It starts very early.

My daughter came home from school telling me that one of her best friends has cooler clothes, more experience, bigger breasts and is more popular than her.

Telling her how beautiful she is doesn’t help because at the age of 11 most kids care more about what their peers think than what their parents think. Of course I still have a chance to boost her self-confidence, BUT she’s now out there in the world playing the comparison game, and my team is very small!

A few years ago I made a difficult decision: My daughter won’t get a smartphone before she turns 12. Not easy in a world where kids start to get them as early as 7. I want to give her the chance to build her confidence as much as possible before she needs to tackle the “internet playground”.

I give her access to books and films starring girls and women who show courage and can be young role models she can look up to in difficult times. Once, when she was involved in a body shaming incident at school, we watched the documentary Miss Americana about Taylor Swift.

‘If you are lucky enough to be different, don’t ever change’. – Taylor Swift

Baby steps to self-empowerment

How to stop telling yourself ‘I’m not good enough’ when that’s what you’ve always done?

Low self-esteem often stems from very deep-rooted issues. This topic is very complex. It’s not a quick fix that can be solved easily with a few nice affirmations. BUT you need to start somewhere. I decided not to share a list of things to do or say in this blog, I’m just going to give you five words:

I AM DOING MY BEST.

This is the most empowering thing I say to myself these days. Even when it doesn’t feel true. It brings me back to my centre. It shuts out all the noise.

I was reminded of these five words by Danielle Laporte, one of my inspirational people who lands in my inbox from time to time. She helped me realise the power of saying these words to myself daily.

Maybe it will work for you too?

Too simple? Well, yes, it’s simple and won’t tackle all of your issues around not feeling good enough. But it’s a start. If you want to gain more awareness about how the ‘I’m not good enough’ epidemic impacts your life and learn more ways to move forward, check out my coaching programmes. But for now, just say it:

I’m doing my best.

Love,

As I was starting to plan my 50th birthday party, I reflected on the different ways I had celebrated important birthdays in the past. It brought tears to my eyes (and not of joy). I didn’t have many happy memories. I decided this birthday would be different.

Too busy filling the void

When I turned 20, I was preoccupied with trying to get validation from others, mostly from my popular rock star boyfriend. When he dumped me, the newspapers wrote ‘it is probably best for his career that he became single’. I travelled, changed jobs, apartments and was completely lost. I don’t remember how I celebrated my 20th birthday.

When I turned 30, I was busy trying to prove to the world that I could do the hard job of being a female news photographer in Poland. Most of my colleagues were war correspondents. One, who had a special place in my heart, was killed in Iraq. My boyfriend at the time dumped me shortly after my 30th birthday party and brought a hooker into his home the same day.

When I turned 35, I had moved to Berlin to be with the man I had fallen in love with (finally, someone who could commit to a serious relationship!), but he travelled a lot, and I didn’t have many friends. I decided to go back to Sweden to celebrate that birthday with childhood friends on a rooftop terrace in Stockholm. Shortly before the party I got a phone call with bad news from my mother. All I remember is that I drank a lot of alcohol that night.

From victim to creator

When I turned 45, I had slowed my life down and was in the middle of psychotherapy training, and in therapy myself. I had started my own coaching business, regained my confidence, and found a way to get support while my husband was abroad for weeks at a time. Most importantly, I had turned from being a victim to a creator of my life. I celebrated my 45th birthday with a close circle of women who helped me let go of a big impossible dream.

Feeling free

Now I am 50. I have almost stopped looking outside for validation. I know I’m enough, and that I’m lovable. I don’t have to silently scream ‘PLEASE LOVE ME’. I don’t take on crazy job assignments, hang out with rockstars or get into toxic friendships, and most importantly: I don’t invite, associate with, or allow drama into my life (most of the time). I celebrated my 50th birthday over a whole week at a finca on Mallorca with my husband, daughter and my closest friends.

We laughed, danced, and most of all, I felt FREE. Free from addiction to drama and pleasing others. I celebrated my birthday just the way I wanted, even if that meant it offended some or prevented some from attending. It also meant that we were a smaller group than I had imagined. In the end, it gave me that intimate feeling that I wanted. I had quality conversations with each of my friends, and I will remember this birthday week for the rest of my life.

Tips on how you can create happy memories

• Drop expectations of others. When you plan an event or birthday celebration, make sure you allow yourself to want what you want. Who do you really want to invite? (I invited friends without their partners and kids).
• Start saving. If you don’t have a budget for it, make sure to start saving in advance. (I started putting money aside just for this, a few months in advance)
• Ignore the ‘what ifs’. Don’t let the ‘what ifs’ stop you from planning the perfect party: What if he/she will be upset? What if nobody comes? What if it doesn’t work out? (I didn’t fixate on the number of guests, but rather on creating a nice experience).
• Don’t let someone convince you to change your mind. Stick with your idea, and make it the way you want it. (I had a few people trying to talk me out of it).
• Trust that you will find people to help you out. (It took me a long time to find the location, but when I did, it was ideal. I used all possible contacts, offline and online, to ask for help).
• Express clearly what you wish for. It’s easier for your close ones to make you happy, if you tell them what you need. (Instead of presents I asked my friends to give a speech or a performance).
• Ask for help on the special day. You don’t want to run around like a headless chicken serving everyone by yourself, make sure to either hire someone to help or ask friends. (I found a chef who cooked the biggest and most delicious paella I’ve ever had!)

Love,