Are you stuck in a cycle of “shoulds”? Those quiet expectations—I should stay, I should be grateful, I should push through—can seem harmless. But over time, they disconnect you from your truth. In this blog post, we’ll explore how “should” thinking keeps high-achieving women stuck, and how one honest moment can begin to shift everything.

What are the “shoulds” in life—and why do they keep us stuck?

“I should be further along in my career.”
“I should be happy—he’s a really good guy.”
“I should take that job—it will look good on paper.”

Sound familiar?

It’s so easy to dismiss our needs with a “should” statement. And you’re not the only one fighting this inner battle.

“Shoulds” are internalized rules—often inherited from family, culture, and our younger selves—that dictate how we think life is supposed to go. But these rules rarely reflect what’s true for us now. Over time, they create lives that look impressive on the outside but feel disconnected underneath.

Why do we ‘should’ on ourselves?

Most of us didn’t wake up one day and decide to live from “should.”
We were trained into it—rewarded for politeness, praised for people-pleasing, and quietly discouraged from telling the full truth.

But sometimes, life hands us a mirror. And often, that mirror looks like someone who still remembers how to speak from the heart.

That moment came for me on a recent family trip to Venice.

We had just arrived in Munich. The sun was shining, we’d ordered schnitzel, and I felt a wave of gratitude toward my husband, who had initiated a road trip to Italy over Easter.

My happy moment was interrupted by:

“I’m not looking forward to this trip.”

My 13-year-old daughter isn’t the polite, conforming, well-behaved, emotion-swallowing kind of girl. She speaks the truth—unfiltered.

You know, that kind of truth we all used to speak once. Some of us lost that voice as early as age seven. Some were lucky to keep it a little longer. And some were even luckier and never lost it at all.

Most of my clients come to me wanting to reconnect with that voice—the voice that follows their inner truth rather than the desire to please everyone else. This is the voice that helps them know:

• Whether they’re in the right job
• If it’s time to change careers
• If their relationship is still the right one
• If they want to become parents

Hearing my daughter express her unhappiness, my own inner “top dog” authoritarian voice whispered:

“You should be grateful we’re taking you to one of the most beautiful cities in Europe.”

But I kept it to myself.

I’ve learned the pain of that top-dog upbringing—how I slowly silenced my own expression until my face looked numb in every holiday photo.

So instead, I swallowed the old “should” and looked at her and said,

“I hear you’re not looking forward to this trip.”

And really—who could blame her? She’s in 7th grade, with all kinds of exciting things happening among her peers. At this age, she’s far more influenced by her friends than her parents. She couldn’t yet imagine how much she’d love Venice.

It’s so easy to jump in and tell our children, partners, friends or colleagues how they should feel.

Because when we do that—we don’t have to sit with their discomfort. Or our own. There is nothing as uncomfortable as facing the truth of how we really feel deep down in our core.

But here’s the thing: it’s the only portal out of stuckness and indecision. If we’re not honest about how we feel in our job or relationship, we stay on the edge of fully living.

We miss out on a meaningful life.

That moment with my daughter reminded me: if we want to find clarity, we have to tell the truth. First to ourselves, then to the world.

What Is the Danger of ‘Should’?

“Should” sounds logical. Mature. Even selfless.

But the more we use it, the more we distance ourselves from what we actually want or need.

It’s how we stay:

• Trapped in high-status jobs that drain us
• Committed to relationships we’ve outgrown
• Stuck in versions of ourselves that no longer feel true

We become over-functioning and under-feeling. And over time, the cost is not just burnout—it’s a quiet, persistent numbness.

What Is the Tyranny of ‘Shoulds’?

Psychoanalyst Karen Horney coined the phrase “tyranny of the shoulds”—that inner dictatorship that tells us how we must act, feel, and succeed in order to be “good enough.”

It’s the voice of perfectionism. The fuel of burnout. And the enemy of authenticity.

Because when you live by shoulds, your life doesn’t feel like yours. It feels like a performance.

And deep down, you know you were made for more.

What Can I Replace ‘Should’ With?

Try this shift in your inner dialogue:

• “I want…”
• “I feel…”
• “I choose…”
• “I’m curious about…”

“I should stay—it looks good on paper.” → “I want to feel proud of how I spend my time.”

“I should be grateful.” → “I feel conflicted. I want to understand why.”

This isn’t about rebellion. It’s about reclaiming your truth.

How Do I Get Rid of ‘Should’? (Hint: You Don’t Have to Force It)

You don’t have to eliminate every “should.” You just need to notice it.

When it shows up—pause. Get curious. Ask:

What would become possible if I stopped limiting myself here?

You don’t need to have an answer right away. Just creating that space is enough. Let the truth whisper. Let it tug at you gently. That’s often how clarity begins.

What Becomes Possible When You Start Trusting Yourself?

This is where it gets exciting.

You might:

• Redesign your career to reflect who you are now—not who you were 10 years ago
• Make time for what actually nourishes you
• Choose relationships that energize, not deplete
• Feel more grounded, more clear, more you

And maybe—for the first time in a long time—you’d feel free.

If that idea lights something up in you, sum it up in just one sentence. Like:

I will finally ask for a raise so I can buy my dream home.
I will quit and find a job that reflects my values.
I will write that book I’ve been dreaming about for years.

Ready to Stop Should-ing All Over Your Life?

If you’re done living for expectations and ready to live from a place of truth, I’d love to support you.

Book a free discovery call to explore what your next chapter could look like—one that’s aligned, alive, and yours. Click here to schedule.

Because the world doesn’t need more people following the rules.

It needs more people who have come fully alive.

Love

You don’t need to collapse to be burned out. In fact, many high-functioning women are living with chronic burnout—and calling it “just being tired.” This blog will help you recognise the signs and start choosing something better.

Burnout isn’t always dramatic—it’s quiet

We think burnout looks like breakdowns. Tears. Cancelled commitments. Maybe even quitting your job altogether.

But more often, especially for high-functioning women, burnout is subtle. It doesn’t scream—it simmers.

It’s waking up tired even after a full night’s sleep. It’s going through your workday without any emotional connection to what you’re doing. It’s feeling low-grade resentment at your job, your calendar, your colleagues—but not knowing why.

You’re not crying at your desk—but you are fantasising about walking away from it all.

This kind of burnout hides behind high performance. You’re still functioning. Still hitting deadlines. Still giving to others.

And that’s what makes it so dangerous.

How do you know if you have burnout? (especially when you’re a high achiever)

One of the hardest things about this type of burnout is that you might not realise it’s happening.

You’ve been taught to value resilience, to stay composed, to be helpful and competent. So you keep going. You assume everyone feels like this. That maybe you just need a better morning routine, or a holiday, or to be more grateful.

But deep down, a quiet voice whispers: This isn’t sustainable.

You might start to notice:

• Dreading work on Sunday nights
• Procrastinating things you used to enjoy
• Snapping at your partner or kids for no clear reason
• Fantasising about quitting or moving to a remote cabin

These quiet signs are your body’s way of asking for something different.

I’ve had many clients who were praised at work and admired by friends—but inside, they were barely holding it together. They didn’t feel “bad enough” to ask for help, but they no longer felt like themselves either.

The invisible weight of working abroad

Now add to that the reality of working and living in a country that isn’t your own.

If you’re an international woman in Germany, for example, you’re navigating unspoken cultural codes, language barriers, and the emotional labour of constantly adapting—all while keeping up a professional image.

Even simple tasks take more energy. Scheduling a doctor’s appointment. Opening a bank account. Reading a workplace memo in a second language. Explaining your background—again.

It’s no wonder you’re exhausted.

But because you “chose this life,” you might feel guilty for feeling off. You tell yourself to be grateful. To make it work. To push through.

This pressure to prove yourself—to “get it right” in a foreign context—can deepen your burnout without you even noticing it.

Want to hear more on this? I recently joined psychotherapist Nora Dietrich on the Inside Deutschland podcast to unpack what burnout really looks like for international women navigating life and work abroad. We talked about people-pleasing, perfectionism, cultural stress, and what it actually takes to start feeling like yourself again.

Listen to the episode here.

Why bubble baths won’t solve this

You can’t meditate or meal-prep your way out of this kind of burnout.

That’s not to say small self-care rituals don’t help—they absolutely do. But when your exhaustion is coming from deep misalignment, what you need isn’t more candles or green smoothies.

You need space to ask:

• What am I tolerating that’s draining me?
• Where have I been silencing myself to keep others comfortable?
• What would I choose if I weren’t afraid of disappointing anyone?

These aren’t quick fixes. They require honesty. Courage. And support.

Because when you’re this deep in survival mode, it’s hard to see clearly. You’re just trying to get through the day.

What real support looks like

You don’t need more pressure. You need a pause. A space to exhale. Someone to sit with you as you sort through the fog and find your way back to yourself.

That’s what coaching and therapy offer. Not advice or life hacks—but a calm, grounded container where you can tell the truth about how you feel and begin rebuilding in a way that honours who you are.

It’s not about quitting everything and starting from scratch. It’s about slowing down enough to hear what’s true—and creating changes from that place.

I’ve walked this path myself. I’ve supported women through it too. And I can tell you: the moment you stop pushing and start listening to yourself, everything begins to shift.

Book a free coaching consultation if you’re ready to stop spinning and start feeling like yourself again. We’ll talk gently and honestly about what’s going on underneath the surface—and what it could look like to feel energised and at peace again. Then I’ll support you to take steps forward to a more sustainable life.

You don’t have to burn your life down to build something better. You just have to be willing to begin.

Love