You know what I’ve been thinking lately? – That I’d like to be a snail sometimes.

I wouldn’t want to carry a big house around, but I would like to be slow as a snail from time to time.

When I trained as a psychotherapist, a teacher once compared me to a horse; I was the one in the race who always started before all the other ones. Being fast is very familiar to me; I always walked fast, talked fast, wanted to see results fast.

But things have changed since then.

Have you ever thought about an animal you would like to be?

When we were on holiday in Fuerteventura a few weeks ago, I convinced my family that we should go out for Paella on a Sunday afternoon, just like the Spanish families do.

Outside our hotel there was a wide beach with hard sand that you could easily walk on. I was moving my legs in that direction when my husband pointed in another direction and said, “let’s take this way, it’s faster.”

A few years back it would have stayed as a thought, and I would have swallowed the possible confrontation and the inner battle of expressing my own needs.

“Yes sure, let’s do that”, “I’m fine”, “Yes, it sounds like a good idea”… but what I actually wanted to say is:

“I don’t want to do that”,” I’m not fine”, “I prefer to…”

Does this sound familiar to you?

When we don’t get what we want we end up blaming our partners, friends, or managers for not giving us what we need.

It seems to me that many of us are out of sync with our own needs.

“How can I know what my needs are?” a few clients have asked me.

And of course, it’s not a simple question with a simple answer. Many of us grew up learning that our needs are not important, and we have buried them deep down in our consciousness. Usually we have already resigned before we even try to express them:

“I won’t get what I need anyway”, you might think to yourself and quickly adjust to the situation. You say “yes” even if you mean “no”. You say “no” even if you mean “yes”.

Easier right? No confrontation or risk of not being liked.

The problem starts when we see confrontation as “bad”, we’re not seeing the value in confronting another person.

When we confront someone with our needs, we’re letting someone see us. We get in contact with the other person, instead of just being in a diffuse harmony bubble of fake happiness.

The other person sees our needs and has the chance to help us fulfil them.

But how can we express our needs if we don’t know what they are??

The first step is to SLOW DOWN. We can’t know what we want if we’re constantly busy.

I don’t want to take a short cut.

I don’t want to take the faster way.

I don’t want…

I don’t want…

I want…

I want to be a snail sometimes.

Take it slow.

Walk on the beautiful beach instead of on the busy road.

When I take it slow, not rushing around like a headless chicken, and stop trying “to get there faster”, I start to feel my feelings. I hear my heart whispering my needs.

Watching the ocean, breathing in the fresh air, and listening to the strength of the waves coming into the shore is something that makes me feel alive.

“I don’t want to take the faster way, I want to walk along the beach,” I answered my husband.

Yes, it took longer. And we found a place on the way where my daughter started collecting snails.

Saying YES to myself and my needs has been a practice for many years. It didn’t come easy to me, I needed to relearn it. Get back in touch with the child in me who clearly knew what I needed.

It all changed when I stopped listening to the part of me who had learned what the world wanted me to say.

I still forget sometimes, and then I blame and criticise (yes I’m not perfect!).

Behind every criticism there is a wish.

Realising this was a huge game changer for me. When I started to say what I wanted instead of what the other person does wrong, my relationships changed tremendously.

I believe when we start talking about “what is” (I am hoping you can cook today because I don’t feel well) instead of “what is not” (you never support me when I’m feeling weak), we will get much more of what we need.

My biggest role model is my daughter.

The other day I was getting ready to drive her to school. I was stressed, and rushing around our apartment when she sat down on the back of the sofa and looked up and said: “Mama, I need a hug.”

As a reminder you can put a Post-it note on your computer:

Say what you want, don’t say what the other person does wrong!

“When we can name it, we can change it”, Gabby Bernstein says. Starting to name my emotions is something that has helped me understand what my needs are.

If you wish to get more in touch with your needs to feel more confident, I have created something really valuable for you: The one-month tracking journal TIME TO THRIVE.

If you are looking for increased energy, peace and clarity, this journal will support you to be kinder to yourself and create room for the things that really matter.

You’ll be amazed by how this simple life coaching tool transforms your daily life! And I’m giving it away for free!

Get the journal here.

Love,

I have a confession to make.

I said I would never look at my e-mail while waiting for the traffic light to turn green in my car. When my husband does it, it always annoys me, “are you crazy? It’s really dangerous!”

And yet I did exactly the same a few weeks ago, frantically scrolling through my emails while stopped in my car, waiting for the light to turn green.

“Fill the time.”

“Kill time.”

“Using the time right.”

There are many things we can do with our time while we’re waiting.

A friend of mine shared she felt she was in a kind of “waiting mode”, nothing much was really happening in her life.

Is this state familiar to you?

Many perceive this state as “wrong”. As if we’re not being productive enough or optimising our lives enough. As if time is just being wasted…

Our culture tells us that if we’re not rushing around, racing to get things done, our life is useless!

What do we think we are wasting by waiting or pausing our precious lives for a few minutes?

What was it I thought couldn’t wait when I was at the traffic light?

When we’re constantly busy with “filling our time” our minds tend to be in the future.

“You’re busy thinking about what you’re going to do next. You’re a month ahead of yourself, or even a year. You’re not living life; you’re living mind.” – Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul.

One of my mentors once gave me an exercise to spark inspiration for writing. I should practice “cloud gazing”. Easy, I thought to myself, not realising how challenging it was at first.

I have no problem laying in a hammock gazing at the clouds while being on holiday, but doing it just like that, in between tasks? More difficult than I imagined.

I can guarantee you – cloud gazing is not a waste of time. When I take the time to gaze into the clouds, I usually come up with either the best ideas for my business or get an answer to a question I was pondering.

The same mentor also taught me a simple exercise. Whenever you’re feeling guilty about being in a “wrong” state, for example blaming yourself for being lazy, ask yourself: what is the gift in being lazy?

Tough one, right?

I know you’re thinking: “what on earth can be good about being lazy??”

The gift in being lazy is – REST. You are resting. You are letting yourself REST.

And the same goes for waiting.

What is the gift in waiting?

The gift in waiting is – you are creating space to see and listen, aka “being present”.

You see the beautiful couple crossing the street while you wait for the traffic light to turn green.

You see your daughter – how she enjoys performing in front of the mirror.

You hear the birds singing.

You hear the exhaustion in your partner’s voice so you give him a hug.

And you might hear your heart whispering the answer to the question you’ve been asking yourself for months, while you’ve been too busy racing for the next thing.

Just imagine that for a moment.

Our “filling the time behaviour” makes us exhausted.

At the beginning of each session, I always ask my clients what their most dominating mood was in the last 24h. Guess which is the most common one?

Exhausted.

Therefore, I have created a special free gift, a journal to boost your energy. You will recognise hidden energy drains throughout the week so that you can feel healthy, free and energised again.

If you would like to receive a free copy of my guided journal – sign up here.

Love,

How can we start the new year with more energy after yet another strange year of living through a global pandemic and difficult experiences?

“But you didn’t land in hospital”. “It could have been much worse”. “Imagine how it would have been if you were a single mum and had more children”.

The external voices of comparison were louder than my own inner voice of acceptance. I know that friends meant well and were just trying to cheer me up, but I didn’t need cheerleaders, nor did I need to hear about how it could have been worse.

I had caught the virus which I had tried to avoid for 1,5 years. I wasn’t well. The only thing I needed (except from my husband bringing me lots of tea and Pho Bo soup) was to hear these words:

“I hear you.”

“It sucks.”

Of course 2021 could have been worse. Knowing that doesn’t make our experiences less difficult.

It’s that time again when I look back and reflect on the past year. Normally I would celebrate the extraordinary things I learned, my successes and accomplishments. But it has been another strange year and I have decided to end it differently.

Not because there hasn’t been a lot of learnings and successes, but because I see the necessity more than ever to honour the uncomfortable emotions and the things that didn’t go as planned.

The not-so-flattering emotions are as worthy of acknowledgement and deserve to be felt just as much as all the socially accepted ones.

Do you agree?

We can, of course, look back on the past year and only focus on the successes and try to forget the unpleasant and messy truths. In our “quick-fix” culture there is a lot of money-making that happens around bypassing the truth.

We can choose to say, “I’m fine, I survived”, “Soon it’s a new year with new opportunities”, and smile.

I’m convinced that when we focus on the good things in life, all the goodness grows, but when we only do that and don’t take ownership of our hardships, it can lead to exhaustion.

Let’s not rush things. That’s what we do all day long. When something feels uncomfortable, we tend to ignore it and move on.

In a culture where we praise positive emotions like happiness and fulfilment more than the negative ones like sadness and anger, it takes a lot of courage to say, “I’m not fine”.

We don’t want anyone to see that we’re broken, that we can’t hold everything together. Our naked truth. So, we show up at dinner parties and on social media with all our mess hidden behind a fake smile. We post photos of our children and fancy holidays to say “look, I’m fine!”

What is it we’re not showing?

What are we afraid would happen if we showed the messy truth?

I have learned that the single most important behaviour for bringing more energy into our lives is:

Don’t bypass heavy emotions, but also don’t obsess about them.

What is not examined and expressed usually grows.

It grows inside of us until the day when we have difficulty breathing and our bodies are hard like metal. All the holding together requires A LOT of energy.

I know because I have been there.

In the past I was an expert in putting on a suit of armour to present an imaginary persona.

I was an expert in adding things to my to-do list just to show I was as productive and busy as everyone else, even when I was depleted. I have seen lately how many of my clients do the same.

No doubt that we are constantly triggered to DO MORE when we hear phrases like “create the future you”, “reinvent yourself”, “change your life” and “find your purpose”.

Before I look at my successes and learnings this year, I will make a list of the things that didn’t go as planned. I’m inviting you to do the same. Meet a friend or a whole group of friends and share your list.

Ask them to just listen. No advice giving. No cheerleading. No fixing. Just listen.

This is the most valuable gift you can give to someone.

Here is mine (the official version ;))

Things that didn’t go as planned:

1. I postponed the launch of my website twice.
2. I miscalculated and was confronted with a huge tax bill at the end of the year.
3. My au pair unexpectedly packed her bag and left while I was in the shower in the middle of the pandemic when I was vulnerable and needed help the most.
4. I got sick with Covid even though I was vaccinated, washed my hands, wore a mask, maintained distance, and cancelled most social events this year.
5. My daughter, who was called “very sociable” at the age of 3 and always had many friends, was suddenly having problems with friends at school.
6. Someone had a car accident with my car.
7. I didn’t manage to work out like I wanted to.
8. I wasn’t as patient as I thought I would be while home-schooling my daughter.
9. I had two different virtual assistants resign within a period of 3 months.
10. I had promised to take Fridays off and not work with more than 12 clients a week, and didn’t keep either promise.

When you have made your list, go through each point and ask yourself how each thing made you feel. Give yourself permission to feel disappointed, angry or sad.

The key is to feel the feelings but not obsess over what happened.

3 steps to starting the new year with more energy:

1. Acknowledge.
2. Let go.
3. Move on.

I don’t know about you, but this process makes me feel human.

It’s okay not to feel okay at times.

It’s okay not to hold everything together.

It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself even though there are people who have it worse than you.

One week after I had recovered from Covid, I was getting ready to drive my daughter to school. I was still internally battling how I had been too reactive with my family while I was sick.

As if my daughter could read my mind, she turned to me and said: Mum, you know why I love you? Because you are you.

I looked back at my 9-year-old, who already holds so much wisdom, and I was speechless.

Imagine if everyone was thinking like her, then the world would be a better place.

Wishing you all a relaxing ending of 2021.

And remember…

It’s all okay.

Love,