How can we start the new year with more energy after yet another strange year of living through a global pandemic and difficult experiences?

“But you didn’t land in hospital”. “It could have been much worse”. “Imagine how it would have been if you were a single mum and had more children”.

The external voices of comparison were louder than my own inner voice of acceptance. I know that friends meant well and were just trying to cheer me up, but I didn’t need cheerleaders, nor did I need to hear about how it could have been worse.

I had caught the virus which I had tried to avoid for 1,5 years. I wasn’t well. The only thing I needed (except from my husband bringing me lots of tea and Pho Bo soup) was to hear these words:

“I hear you.”

“It sucks.”

Of course 2021 could have been worse. Knowing that doesn’t make our experiences less difficult.

It’s that time again when I look back and reflect on the past year. Normally I would celebrate the extraordinary things I learned, my successes and accomplishments. But it has been another strange year and I have decided to end it differently.

Not because there hasn’t been a lot of learnings and successes, but because I see the necessity more than ever to honour the uncomfortable emotions and the things that didn’t go as planned.

The not-so-flattering emotions are as worthy of acknowledgement and deserve to be felt just as much as all the socially accepted ones.

Do you agree?

We can, of course, look back on the past year and only focus on the successes and try to forget the unpleasant and messy truths. In our “quick-fix” culture there is a lot of money-making that happens around bypassing the truth.

We can choose to say, “I’m fine, I survived”, “Soon it’s a new year with new opportunities”, and smile.

I’m convinced that when we focus on the good things in life, all the goodness grows, but when we only do that and don’t take ownership of our hardships, it can lead to exhaustion.

Let’s not rush things. That’s what we do all day long. When something feels uncomfortable, we tend to ignore it and move on.

In a culture where we praise positive emotions like happiness and fulfilment more than the negative ones like sadness and anger, it takes a lot of courage to say, “I’m not fine”.

We don’t want anyone to see that we’re broken, that we can’t hold everything together. Our naked truth. So, we show up at dinner parties and on social media with all our mess hidden behind a fake smile. We post photos of our children and fancy holidays to say “look, I’m fine!”

What is it we’re not showing?

What are we afraid would happen if we showed the messy truth?

I have learned that the single most important behaviour for bringing more energy into our lives is:

Don’t bypass heavy emotions, but also don’t obsess about them.

What is not examined and expressed usually grows.

It grows inside of us until the day when we have difficulty breathing and our bodies are hard like metal. All the holding together requires A LOT of energy.

I know because I have been there.

In the past I was an expert in putting on a suit of armour to present an imaginary persona.

I was an expert in adding things to my to-do list just to show I was as productive and busy as everyone else, even when I was depleted. I have seen lately how many of my clients do the same.

No doubt that we are constantly triggered to DO MORE when we hear phrases like “create the future you”, “reinvent yourself”, “change your life” and “find your purpose”.

Before I look at my successes and learnings this year, I will make a list of the things that didn’t go as planned. I’m inviting you to do the same. Meet a friend or a whole group of friends and share your list.

Ask them to just listen. No advice giving. No cheerleading. No fixing. Just listen.

This is the most valuable gift you can give to someone.

Here is mine (the official version ;))

Things that didn’t go as planned:

1. I postponed the launch of my website twice.
2. I miscalculated and was confronted with a huge tax bill at the end of the year.
3. My au pair unexpectedly packed her bag and left while I was in the shower in the middle of the pandemic when I was vulnerable and needed help the most.
4. I got sick with Covid even though I was vaccinated, washed my hands, wore a mask, maintained distance, and cancelled most social events this year.
5. My daughter, who was called “very sociable” at the age of 3 and always had many friends, was suddenly having problems with friends at school.
6. Someone had a car accident with my car.
7. I didn’t manage to work out like I wanted to.
8. I wasn’t as patient as I thought I would be while home-schooling my daughter.
9. I had two different virtual assistants resign within a period of 3 months.
10. I had promised to take Fridays off and not work with more than 12 clients a week, and didn’t keep either promise.

When you have made your list, go through each point and ask yourself how each thing made you feel. Give yourself permission to feel disappointed, angry or sad.

The key is to feel the feelings but not obsess over what happened.

3 steps to starting the new year with more energy:

1. Acknowledge.
2. Let go.
3. Move on.

I don’t know about you, but this process makes me feel human.

It’s okay not to feel okay at times.

It’s okay not to hold everything together.

It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself even though there are people who have it worse than you.

One week after I had recovered from Covid, I was getting ready to drive my daughter to school. I was still internally battling how I had been too reactive with my family while I was sick.

As if my daughter could read my mind, she turned to me and said: Mum, you know why I love you? Because you are you.

I looked back at my 9-year-old, who already holds so much wisdom, and I was speechless.

Imagine if everyone was thinking like her, then the world would be a better place.

Wishing you all a relaxing ending of 2021.

And remember…

It’s all okay.

Love, 

 
I told my neighbour I was back from a 4-week holiday, and she looked at me with surprise and asked ‘how is that for your clients’? I checked in with my inner judge, but it turned out she had nothing to say today. Silence. It was as if I wanted to hear that harsh Swedish voice who usually says, ‘Isn’t that selfish’? But it was like she had finally left me in peace, like that kid who tries to bully someone who doesn’t care.

BREAKTHROUGH 1: It seems that after 8 years of taking a month-long holiday every summer, I’m finally not feeling guilty about it.

I bicycled with my bestie to a Pilates class on the beach in southern Sweden this summer. When one of the other participants heard that I was staying in Yngsjö, a couple of kilometres away, she asked if I had biked the whole way. I checked in with my inner judge, but it turned out she had nothing to say. Silence. After an uncomfortable pause, I realized I could simply answer her: ‘No, I’m too lazy to bike such a long way in the morning, I drove to my friend’s house and then took the bike the last bit.’

BREAKTHROUGH 2: The word ‘lazy’ has been equal to ‘stupid’ and ‘worthless’ my whole life. This was the first time EVER I used the word without shame. I wasn’t proud, but I wasn’t feeling stupid or worthless. I felt free.

How do you feel when you hear the word ‘lazy’?

During my years as superwoman, I froze every time I heard this word. Grrrr. Anything but lazy! I’m strong and not the type who needs a lot of sleep and rest!

When was the last time you rested without feeling guilty?

I still have a hard time giving myself permission to rest sometimes, but I’ve set up my life so that I don’t end up too stressed.

Taking a 4-week summer holiday helps.

Saying NO to things—like taking the bike instead of the car just to prove that I’m not lazy, helps.

Saying NO to the ‘harder, better, faster, stronger culture’ helps.

Saying YES to my well-being helps.

What about you?

I’d love to hear in the comments how this resonated with you.

If you’re curious to find ways to say YES to your well-being and NO to other people’s expectations, coaching is an excellent tool. I have coached hundreds of women and men to prioritize their well-being and get clarity on what’s stopping them from living in more alignment with what they truly want.

If you, or someone you know would benefit from coaching, please book a call with me here: https://calendly.com/katarinastoltz

Love, 

I look at the sea from the little sand dune where we’re hiding from the sun under a tree. Bright spots shine like diamonds on the water’s surface. No loud music, no plastic pop-it toys. Just him and me and some other tourists at a far distance.

No easy distractions: meal planning, social media or ‘I forgot to send that email’. No daughter screaming “MAMA!!” from the other end of our apartment while I’m in the shower.

I’ve decided to make time for my romantic relationship. Not just a date night. I’m talking one week of uninterrupted time – where I embrace both silence and long conversations. A proper break from to-do lists and never-ending parent logistics.

No matter how much I work on it, I still sometimes fall into the busyness trap. You know when you stay so busy that the truth of your hurting or your fear can never catch up?

Can you relate?

Yesterday I read in Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, about the most dangerous betrayal in relationships: ‘I’m talking about betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship.’

Devote time. For me that is not ‘I’m home most evenings a week’ kind of devotion. It’s about really making an effort to carve out time for engagement.

Being in atypical relationships my whole life: long distance, musician on tour, bartender with night shifts, and then deciding to marry someone who travels a few months a year – I’m used to being alone. It has become my natural state of being. It’s been a choice AND an escape.

As someone who grew up with the myth ‘I can do it all alone’, it’s been easy to fool myself that this lifestyle was making me happy. The price I paid for it – loneliness.

Today, I know how much connection matters.

Today, I know I can’t do it all alone.

Today, I devote time. I put effort into my romantic relationship. I show up. I dare to be vulnerable. I still catch myself disappearing into my ‘self-development bubble’ and I disconnect. Books. Trainings. Writing. But, more often than before, I put down my book when I see that my husband has something to share with me.

The ‘opportunities for engagement’ have become my way forward. This is how I work on trust and connection.

I’m curious about you, what have you discovered makes a big difference in your relationship?

If you are struggling to make the time to engage in relationships, let’s talk. I invite you to book a free coaching consultation with me here: https://calendly.com/katarinastoltz

Love,

It was late in the evening. My upper back was aching, and I was stress eating another cracker with cream cheese. My eyes were tired—from wearing my contact lenses too long I told myself, but the truth was, I had been staring into a screen for more than 12 hours. I just need to check my email, just have to see if my daughter handed in all her homework, ahhh I forgot to answer a message on WhatsApp, a colleague wanted some business advise and oh yes there was that bill to pay and, and, and…

Sounds familiar?

Are you someone who is constantly stressing about not doing enough? Thinking there’s always more you need to do? Feeling anxious because there is never an end to your to-do list?

You force yourself to keep going, even if your intuition tells you that what you are doing is not good for you, ignoring all the physical signals that you need rest.

You are not alone.

In the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, which I’m currently reading, they call it “Human Giver Syndrome.”

If you are like me and have grown up to believe that hard work is what it takes to be successful, no wonder we push ourselves over our limits.

That belief almost ruined my health 14 years ago while on duty 24/7 for a big international news agency.

After experiencing corporate burnout, I made radical changes to my life. I started studying again, and eventually created my own business.

But as with all deep-rooted beliefs, they don’t just disappear.

When a client I worked with told me a couple of weeks ago that she punishes herself when she is being lazy, I felt grateful that I had learned my lesson and was gentler with myself.

And then a few days later I caught myself doing exactly the same! There it was, that sneaky old belief whispering:

If you just worked a bit harder you would be in a different stage of your business. Look at such and such person, they stay up and work late at night and still manage to do their job well, be a good wife and mum AND get up before the kids to meditate!

At the beginning of the second lockdown, I felt like a melting candle. It didn’t matter that I was resting on the weekends, I was still tired.

I fell into the productivity trap again. For a couple of weeks, I was in go-go-go mode and my focus was only external.

I paused and reflected and stopped living as if I was on fire. I stuck a Post-it note on my computer: DARE TO REST.

I used to think exhaustion only belonged in the corporate world. Not many people talk about the risk of burning out as an entrepreneur and as a parent. And I don’t hear it coming up much among all the advice the wellness industry offers us.

What about the idea that we’re also suffering from wellness burnout? Start a morning routine, meditate every day, practice yoga, eat healthy…and, and, and…

Can you resonate?

I mean, it doesn’t matter how many green smoothies you drink and how many affirmations you tell yourself, if you still believe that you are only worthy of rest if you have been really, really productive, it won’t help!

“You don’t need to earn your rest.” – Danielle la Porte

Take a moment to let that sink in: You don’t need to earn your rest.

I know you’re thinking, yes, yes it all sounds good in theory, but I still need to get my work done. I can rest on the weekends or when I’m on holiday. Or when I retire.

But what if there is another way?

What if you can have success without burning out?

Imagine a world where resting is as valued as productivity.

Imagine a world where we celebrate our failures as much as our successes.

That’s the world I want to live in!

I’m on a mission to help you see yourself as worthy independently of your productivity.

What if rest IS being productive?

What if slowing down will lead you to a fuller life?

What if being who you are and doing what you do is enough?

What if we all stopped proving to ourselves how much we can do and gave ourselves permission to choose what brings us joy and ease?

Let’s start to nourish our nervous system and erase that bullshit idea that doing nothing means being lazy, shall we?

As I know you want some practical tips on how to do this, here are some things that helped me in the past:

• Focus on the thoughts you truly believe. Whenever you hear yourself thinking: it’s a waste of time laying on the sofa or just taking a walk, pause and ask yourself: Is that really true? What is it I really need right now?

• Include rest in your plans. If you are a planner and like to fill your calendar with activities, make sure you also plan time for rest (not only on weekends and holidays).

• Dare to say NO to people or activities that don’t lift you up. Notice if your energy drops depending on who you were with or what you did.

• Cancel social media on your phone. Let your eyes rest from screens in the evenings. Let yourself get a break from knowing what everyone else is up to.

• Do an activity every week where you work with your hands. If you have kids, draw with them, play with Lego. Play an instrument. Cook a special meal.

• Find a relaxation exercise that quiets the chatter in your head. Choose a meditation on Insight Timer (try out Taylor Sommerville!) or some relaxing music to end your day with.

• Start journaling. When our minds are busy thinking all day and we have difficulty stopping, it’s really helpful to write down our thoughts. It doesn’t have to become a novel, just write down what’s in your head. A good way to start is using my tracking journal ‘Time To Thrive’. Download it here.

I hope some of these ideas will help you feel a little bit more rested. But maybe they’re like the green smoothies and affirmations. They might not be enough. Sometimes you need to identify the underlying reason why you don’t allow yourself to rest, first.

There are times in your life when you need to find a companion who will help you figure out and confront the barriers that stand between you and your well-being.

Coaching and Therapy both changed my life.

If you are struggling with exhaustion and find it difficult to give yourself permission to rest, let’s work together. Check out different ways I can help you: https://katarina-stoltz.com/work-with-me/.

“Katarina gave me a lot of new insights into why I was thinking and feeling as I was. I really enjoyed her coaching exercises, which helped me change some of the destructive thoughts I was having. After the coaching sessions I became clearer in my communication and I learned to listen to myself again. I moved out of a toxic relationship, my son started in a new, great school and I started a new job where I feel much happier and valued! Katarina is the best cheerleader you could possibly hope for! But she’s not only that—she guides and supports in a warm and loving way, all the while keeping you accountable to yourself… Thank you, Katarina”! – Lorna

I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

Love,