You long for a weekend alone. A trip. A single evening with no one needing anything from you. And then, almost immediately, the guilt arrives.

You tell yourself it would be selfish. That once you have a family, your free time belongs to everyone else. That wanting space for yourself means something is wrong with you.

It does not. But I understand why it feels that way.

“I could never do that”

This morning, after my yoga class in Thailand, I stood in the stillness feeling calm and deeply grateful. I thought: this is exactly why I do this.

I am here on my own for two weeks, creating space for myself, before my family joins me and we turn it into a family holiday. It is a choice I make intentionally, and one that not everyone understands.

Before I left, a friend said to me, “I could never do that.” She is not alone. Most of the women I work with would never leave their family and go on a solo trip, and not always because they do not want to. More often, it is because they have never really allowed themselves to consider it.

Maybe you recognise that.

You might think it would be selfish. That once you have a family your free time should go to your partner or your children. That you would not even know what to do with yourself without a list of responsibilities to hold onto.

So you do not consider it. You do not say a full yes to yourself. And sometimes, quietly, you judge the women who do.

Why high-achieving women stop choosing themselves

If you have spent years being the reliable one, the capable one, the one who holds everything together, it is easy to lose yourself in the expectations of others. You keep showing up for everyone else and you rarely let people down.

But at some point, that same strength starts working against you. You have become so good at meeting everyone else’s needs that you have stopped asking what you need, not because you are weak or lacking in self-awareness, but because you were never really taught that your needs mattered too.

The guilt that comes with wanting time for yourself is not a personality flaw. It is a sign of how deeply you have absorbed the message that you come last. And wanting something for yourself is not the same as being selfish, even though it can feel that way.

What happens when you keep saying no to yourself

When you keep overriding your own needs, they do not just disappear. Those needs just keep growing.

A tiredness that a good night’s sleep does not fix. A flatness where there used to be energy. A quiet resentment toward the women who seem to live more freely, even if you would never admit that out loud.

The longing grows louder over time, showing up as irritability, disconnection, or a low-level sense that something is off even when your life looks completely fine from the outside. And because nothing is visibly wrong, it is easy to dismiss it, or to tell yourself you should just be more grateful.

Putting yourself first makes you more present, not less

Since my daughter was four years old, I have taken a solo trip every year, sometimes to a retreat, sometimes with no plan at all.

Every single time, I come back clearer and calmer. A better coach and therapist. A more present mother. A more connected partner and friend.

Choosing yourself is not a retreat from your responsibilities. It is how you stay genuinely present for the people and the work that matter to you. The version of you that is depleted and quietly resentful is not the version that gives her best to anyone.

You do not need to go to Thailand

This is not about a solo trip to Southeast Asia. That is one way I create space for myself, but it is not the only way and it may not be your way.

What matters is the decision behind it: that you are allowed to take up space in your own life. That your needs are not something to be managed around everyone else’s schedule. That time for yourself is not something you have to earn or justify first.

It might look like an evening alone each week, a weekend away once a year, an hour in the morning before anyone else wakes up, or finally saying no to something that has been draining you for months.

The form is less important than the choice itself.

If you are ready to start choosing yourself

If you recognise yourself in this, I would love to stay in touch. I write about what it means to build a life and career that actually fits, including the internal shifts that make that possible, in my Inner Compass newsletter, which I send every two weeks.

Sign up to my Inner Compass newsletter here and it will land straight in your inbox.

You do not have to keep putting yourself last.

Love,

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