As a life coach and therapist, I often hear my female clients share their experiences of ‘not feeling good enough’. Whether it be in their work, their different roles in life or reaching their goals. I think we’re experiencing an epidemic of low self-esteem. Why? Because we’re playing the comparison game.

When I was growing up, I compared myself to the girls at my school, around 20-30 of them. Today we have the entire internet – with the millions of people we encounter on social media every single day – to compare ourselves with. How can we break the cycle of insecurity and low self-esteem and always thinking ‘I’m not good enough’?

People pleasing is killing us

I listened to a podcast the other day with a professor who said, ‘Heart attacks and strokes in the 40-50 age range have been decreasing among men but increasing among women. He added, ‘for me, it’s unclear what the reason is’, and left me chewing on that.

I’m by no means an expert in heart diseases, but from my experience working with hundreds of women for almost a decade, I have a theory.

From an early age we women hear we need to be good girls, don’t make a fuss, don’t disappoint, look good and perform well. People-pleasing becomes our second nature. We do everything we can for people to like us and receive praise and pats on the back. And when we don’t, then we try even harder.

And harder.

And harder.

And harder.

We tell ourselves, ‘I’m not smart, skilled, capable, talented, attractive or thin enough’ and we start playing the comparison game.

We study, work, get another degree, climb the ladder, work, give birth, bring up children, work, spend time improving our looks, work, and we’re wondering why we’re so tired. Women take on, not only physical responsibility, but also the emotional load, more than men. No wonder a lot of women at some point in their lives are close to burnout!

If we’re haunted by the belief that we’re ‘only good enough’ when we’re productive, constantly busy and successful human beings, our mental health will suffer. Our hearts will eventually suffer.

Give yourself rest

Are you someone who is constantly stressing about not doing enough? Thinking there’s always more you need to do? Feeling anxious because there is never an end to your to-do list?

You force yourself to keep going even if your intuition tells you that what you’re doing is not good for you, ignoring the physical signals that you need rest.

In the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, they call it “Human Giver Syndrome”. It means that no matter what you are going through or how tired you are, you prefer to take care of others first.

We give it our all at work, with our partner, our children and our friends. We give a smile to everyone around while that voice inside screams ‘I NEED TO REST’! Read my blog ‘Give yourself permission to rest: 7 ways to quiet your thoughts’, to learn how I fell into the productivity trap during lockdown, and read some practical tips on how to nourish your nervous system.

The comparison game

Wherever you look you will find someone who is more ‘enough’ than you are. Someone is prettier, cooler, more successful, thinner, happier, smarter or has a nicer home than you have. At least on the outside.

You never see the hundreds of images they edited away. You never see their despair trying to meet deadlines or putting small kids to bed while they can hardly keep their eyes open.

You don’t see the dark circles under their eyes.

All the women out there struggle too, and no matter how perfect their lives look, most of them are affected by the ‘I’m not good enough’ epidemic.

My personal story

Are you playing the comparison game?

It starts very early.

My daughter came home from school telling me that one of her best friends has cooler clothes, more experience, bigger breasts and is more popular than her.

Telling her how beautiful she is doesn’t help because at the age of 11 most kids care more about what their peers think than what their parents think. Of course I still have a chance to boost her self-confidence, BUT she’s now out there in the world playing the comparison game, and my team is very small!

A few years ago I made a difficult decision: My daughter won’t get a smartphone before she turns 12. Not easy in a world where kids start to get them as early as 7. I want to give her the chance to build her confidence as much as possible before she needs to tackle the “internet playground”.

I give her access to books and films starring girls and women who show courage and can be young role models she can look up to in difficult times. Once, when she was involved in a body shaming incident at school, we watched the documentary Miss Americana about Taylor Swift.

‘If you are lucky enough to be different, don’t ever change’. – Taylor Swift

Baby steps to self-empowerment

How to stop telling yourself ‘I’m not good enough’ when that’s what you’ve always done?

Low self-esteem often stems from very deep-rooted issues. This topic is very complex. It’s not a quick fix that can be solved easily with a few nice affirmations. BUT you need to start somewhere. I decided not to share a list of things to do or say in this blog, I’m just going to give you five words:

I AM DOING MY BEST.

This is the most empowering thing I say to myself these days. Even when it doesn’t feel true. It brings me back to my centre. It shuts out all the noise.

I was reminded of these five words by Danielle Laporte, one of my inspirational people who lands in my inbox from time to time. She helped me realise the power of saying these words to myself daily.

Maybe it will work for you too?

Too simple? Well, yes, it’s simple and won’t tackle all of your issues around not feeling good enough. But it’s a start. If you want to gain more awareness about how the ‘I’m not good enough’ epidemic impacts your life and learn more ways to move forward, check out my coaching programmes. But for now, just say it:

I’m doing my best.

Love,

As I was starting to plan my 50th birthday party, I reflected on the different ways I had celebrated important birthdays in the past. It brought tears to my eyes (and not of joy). I didn’t have many happy memories. I decided this birthday would be different.

Too busy filling the void

When I turned 20, I was preoccupied with trying to get validation from others, mostly from my popular rock star boyfriend. When he dumped me, the newspapers wrote ‘it is probably best for his career that he became single’. I travelled, changed jobs, apartments and was completely lost. I don’t remember how I celebrated my 20th birthday.

When I turned 30, I was busy trying to prove to the world that I could do the hard job of being a female news photographer in Poland. Most of my colleagues were war correspondents. One, who had a special place in my heart, was killed in Iraq. My boyfriend at the time dumped me shortly after my 30th birthday party and brought a hooker into his home the same day.

When I turned 35, I had moved to Berlin to be with the man I had fallen in love with (finally, someone who could commit to a serious relationship!), but he travelled a lot, and I didn’t have many friends. I decided to go back to Sweden to celebrate that birthday with childhood friends on a rooftop terrace in Stockholm. Shortly before the party I got a phone call with bad news from my mother. All I remember is that I drank a lot of alcohol that night.

From victim to creator

When I turned 45, I had slowed my life down and was in the middle of psychotherapy training, and in therapy myself. I had started my own coaching business, regained my confidence, and found a way to get support while my husband was abroad for weeks at a time. Most importantly, I had turned from being a victim to a creator of my life. I celebrated my 45th birthday with a close circle of women who helped me let go of a big impossible dream.

Feeling free

Now I am 50. I have almost stopped looking outside for validation. I know I’m enough, and that I’m lovable. I don’t have to silently scream ‘PLEASE LOVE ME’. I don’t take on crazy job assignments, hang out with rockstars or get into toxic friendships, and most importantly: I don’t invite, associate with, or allow drama into my life (most of the time). I celebrated my 50th birthday over a whole week at a finca on Mallorca with my husband, daughter and my closest friends.

We laughed, danced, and most of all, I felt FREE. Free from addiction to drama and pleasing others. I celebrated my birthday just the way I wanted, even if that meant it offended some or prevented some from attending. It also meant that we were a smaller group than I had imagined. In the end, it gave me that intimate feeling that I wanted. I had quality conversations with each of my friends, and I will remember this birthday week for the rest of my life.

Tips on how you can create happy memories

• Drop expectations of others. When you plan an event or birthday celebration, make sure you allow yourself to want what you want. Who do you really want to invite? (I invited friends without their partners and kids).
• Start saving. If you don’t have a budget for it, make sure to start saving in advance. (I started putting money aside just for this, a few months in advance)
• Ignore the ‘what ifs’. Don’t let the ‘what ifs’ stop you from planning the perfect party: What if he/she will be upset? What if nobody comes? What if it doesn’t work out? (I didn’t fixate on the number of guests, but rather on creating a nice experience).
• Don’t let someone convince you to change your mind. Stick with your idea, and make it the way you want it. (I had a few people trying to talk me out of it).
• Trust that you will find people to help you out. (It took me a long time to find the location, but when I did, it was ideal. I used all possible contacts, offline and online, to ask for help).
• Express clearly what you wish for. It’s easier for your close ones to make you happy, if you tell them what you need. (Instead of presents I asked my friends to give a speech or a performance).
• Ask for help on the special day. You don’t want to run around like a headless chicken serving everyone by yourself, make sure to either hire someone to help or ask friends. (I found a chef who cooked the biggest and most delicious paella I’ve ever had!)

Love,

Many of us suffer from ‘superhuman syndrome’ and the ‘I can do it all on my own’ mentality, and we forget the importance of sharing experiences with others. While pushing and doing and trying to solve all our life problems on our own, we are often left unhappy and depleted. Read about how I broke free from isolation and how you can overcome obstacles to happiness.

We need each other

Last year was one of the worst years of my life. So at the start of this year, I decided that my main theme for 2023 would be ‘community’. I wanted to make sure that I would break out of the isolation I had been experiencing.

Looking back, I can clearly see how the lack of IRL community was one of the main reasons I was struggling. It didn’t matter how many tools and years of training I had, I still needed a like-minded community to exchange, cry and laugh with!

There is only so much we can do alone.

We need each other.

We need to stop ridiculing dependency.

The superhuman syndrome

With our culture being so focused on the ‘I can do it on my own’ mentality, we forget that being ‘dependent’ on someone else has two sides – it’s not only a bad thing (codependency), it’s also a good thing (needing and getting support).

We obsess (me included!) about being able to do things on our own. My teacher Michaela Boehm calls it ‘superhuman syndrome’. We’re getting so good at becoming independent and ‘not needing anyone’ that we can end up feeling lonely.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with learning to manage our feelings and life alone, BUT we need to recognise that we are emotionally dependent on other humans.

From online to meeting in person

I arrived in Faro, Portugal and felt excited, like a teenage girl getting ready to go out with her friends. ‘What will I wear?’ and ‘I wonder what we will talk about?’

Claudia, a woman I had only met on Zoom so far, had booked a beautiful little guest house right on the beach, where we stayed for two nights before the retreat.

I decided to ground myself with a barefoot walk on the beach and a strawberry lemonade while watching the sunset.

I had been part of my teacher Michaela Boehm’s women’s study group for a little over three years. Most of the women in the group I had only met online.

We had shared our deepest secrets with each other, but none of us knew how the others looked below the waist!

Usually when you meet someone for the first time you engage in small talk – a bridge for getting to the real topics… but not this time. When we went out for our first dinner, we dived straight into what really mattered in our lives.

After a few days in Faro, the journey continued with a taxi to a little village and retreat centre called ‘Orada’, where we joined the rest of the participants.

It was a practise retreat, meaning we had a programme from morning until evening. But Michaela made sure there were breaks for resting, dipping into the natural pool and sweating out the day’s work in the sauna at day’s end.

A few years ago, I would never voluntarily get up at 7 a.m. to meditate! But here, I happily jumped out of bed to climb the wooden stairs to the roof to sit for an hour and let the rising sun caress my face.

Healing with community

What I valued in this retreat was the focus on releasing emotions from the last three years through the body. And doing that TOGETHER!

We so often ask ourselves the question, ‘what’s next?’, always focusing on the future.

But when we haven’t acknowledged and worked with the emotions of the past, we very often find ourselves lost and stuck. There are often layers of unresolved ‘stuff’ in our way to deciding what’s next. What we want to do next with our job, our relationships, where we live.

I was on the mat doing the release work on my own, but knowing there was a woman on my right and a woman on my left going through the same process, made me feel strong.

Afterwards, we sat like sardines in the sauna, laughing like teenage girls telling stories about silly things we had done in our lives. Laughing is such an important part of the release process!

We ended our evenings with stargazing and a quick night swim in the pool (me, who HATES cold water!).

I hadn’t felt this carefree, relaxed and happy in a long time.

You can check out my reel from the retreat on Instagram here.

The 5 major obstacles to happiness

During the last few years, I have learned a lot about what stands in our way to feeling relaxed and happy. Here are some of the most common things:

• Constant DOING and PUSHING. When you are in constant ‘go mode’, you can’t think clearly. We need to acknowledge our emotions, release, and let go from time to time to create space for our next steps in life.
• Overthinking and perfectionism. Very often we get stuck in overthinking and trying to find the perfect solution. We let worries and fear stop us from ‘trying out’ and finding the answers through experience.
• Listening too much to other people’s opinions. It’s very individual what makes us happy and what we want to do with our lives. Listening to others won’t help you decide. Only listening to yourself will.
• The belief that ‘you can do it all alone’. We need each other, and the more you ask for support and build communities of like-minded people, the more likely you will feel stability, security and fulfilment in your life.
• Not investing in your happiness. Many find it difficult to spend money on their well-being. We would rather buy a new sofa or a dress, something we can see and touch. The value you get from investing in coaching, therapy or going on a retreat, creates long lasting happiness (not a quick fix!).

Find inner peace

I have good news for those of you who are tired of all the obstacles! I have created a step-by-step method for how you can release and let go of what doesn’t serve you any longer, so that you can start moving forward with more ease and find inner peace.

You will get coached by me, get access to all my valuable worksheets, a reading list and a bonus session with one of my guest coaches.

I have proof that it works, I have worked with hundreds of individual clients who have successfully gone through one of my coaching programmes. Check out some of my fabulous testimonials.

Last week a client said when he left the session: ‘This is the most powerful hour I’ve had in a long time!’

So, if you want to unravel your obstacles and create a life where you feel confident, happy and free, it’s time to invest in your well-being and say YES to a life on your terms!

Take the first step and book a free coaching consultation with me here.

Love,