At the end of the year there is a pressure to set New Year’s resolutions to ensure that next year will be the best year yet. We want to exercise more, lose weight, get organised, learn a new hobby and live life to the fullest. I like to end the year differently. 

I’m sharing with you my tips for an alternative to New Year’s resolutions and why I think reflecting on the past year is beneficial for personal development. 

Celebrating another year

Another crazy year is coming to an end. It’s one of my favourite times of the year and I always take a moment to reflect and celebrate. 

I hear you thinking ‘What is there to celebrate? I didn’t achieve what I wanted to’. That’s OK! Me neither!  

When we only celebrate big achievements and times when we feel great, we’re telling ourselves that we’re not worthy if we didn’t achieve our goals or were feeling low.  

One year might be the year we felt mostly depressed.  

One year might be the year we had a lot of energy and inspiration. 

One year might have felt like a rollercoaster of events and emotions. 

One year might have been calm and quiet. 

What if we started celebrating who we are right now and what we have achieved up until now?!  

It’s time to be honest

What’s most important is that we’re being honest to ourselves; ‘this year sucked!’, ‘this year I regret that I wasn’t nicer to my kids’, ‘this year I forgot to pay attention to my health as I was afraid of losing my job, so I worked like crazy’ or ‘this year I wished that I set more boundaries’. 

The best way to finish off a year is by being brutally honest and acknowledging how it actually was. Letting go of trying to tell another flattering version of our lives. Making a decision to either forgive ourselves or someone else. 

I forgive myself for my lack of patience while dealing with my daughter’s preteen behaviour. What can you forgive yourself for? 

We’re so good at looking at what’s lacking in our lives and what we can do better that we forget to celebrate what we already are. You wouldn’t tell your best friend all the things she could do better, right? It’s time to be a bit kinder to yourself too. 

Let’s start right now. 

How did you show up this year? How would you describe yourself this year with one word? 

My word would be: CURIOUS. 

Looking back, this year has been one of the hardest years in my adult life; living with the aftermath of the pandemic has been more challenging than dealing with emergencies under lockdown. 

In the past, when I didn’t want to feel, my go-to place was work or going through my to-do list. These things saved me from feeling uncomfortable emotions.  

But as we all know, the unresolved stuff always comes back in some shape or form.  

This year I decided to be compassionate-curious about myself. Curious about all the heavy stuff that was buried under the surface of ‘I’m fine’. 

Yes, as a personal development junkie I have of course been curious and worked on myself for years, but this year I decided to discover myself on an even deeper level, on my own. 

I have had the tendency to dive deep into therapy and coaching sessions, retreats, training sessions, and women’s circles. 

But when leaving the therapist, coach or group, I very often closed the door to the exploration into the unknown. 

I didn’t want to sit alone with it all. 

It was a scary place. 

‘How do you sit with whatever you are feeling?’ is a common question I hear from my clients. 

There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ answer. For some, meditation helps, for others journaling, or being in nature. We have to figure it out by trying different things. 

Questions to help you reflect on the past year

At the end of one year and the beginning of another,  it’s easy to bypass how the past year was and how we’re feeling right now. All the marketing around ‘the new you’ and ‘new year’s resolutions’ focus on the future. 

It’s valuable to have a vision and goals for your future but when we only focus on the future, we’re kind of telling ourselves that we’re not good enough as we are right now. 

No wonder so many never feel good enough! We’re obsessing about what to do differently, setting future goals, finding our life purpose and all that anxiety-inducing stuff. 

This year I invite you to journal around these questions: 

What was the highlight of the year? 

What was the hardest part? 

What did I want to do, but didn’t dare? 

What haven’t I been honest about? 

What do I need to forgive myself for? 

Who do I need to apologise to? 

What kept me awake at night? 

What am I grateful for? 

Block out some time, pour your favourite cup of tea, get cosy with a blanket and create this year-end ritual to honour the way you showed up in this world. 

I hope this helps you to feel free to be you, give space for grief and fully own who you are. 

Love,

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When we don’t express our emotions we become stressed. We bottle up strong feelings and avoid confronting people. To reduce stress, we need to express our emotions and set boundaries.

Today I will share a personal story from my trip to the U.S. and give you an insight how to strengthen your emotional competence so you can reduce stress in your life. (Read to the end to grab my free gift!)

The Perfect Evening

The sun was setting at Pismo Beach, on California’s Central Coast, as Rihanna’s “Umbrella” blasted from the speakers. Tourists hung out by the food trucks enjoying tacos and beautiful views. Some watched the surfers, others were mesmerised by the sunset.

Pelicans flew over our heads as we sat at the table waiting for our food. ‘This is the perfect evening’, I thought to myself.

My 10-year-old daughter, having had her fill of road trip fast food, finally ordered a salad. I took off my sandals, leaned my bare feet against the wooden fence, and took a sip of cold white wine (served in a plastic cup, but oh well, I decided not to be annoyed by that). 

You know that perfect moment when you’re with the people you love and you don’t want to change a thing? Pure bliss. 

In the last week, my daughter had gone from an impatient, “I want my food NOW!” kind of kid, to someone who calmly read her chapter book while we waited for our food to arrive. 

But after 45 minutes l began to wonder if they had forgotten about us, then quickly reminded myself that we were not in a hurry. Rushing from one place to another is something I know too well from my daily life. I could feel how much my body and soul really needed the break from the busyness.

An Unexpected Question

I took another sip of my wine, then all of a sudden came an unexpected question: ‘Mum, are you going to drink alcohol again tonight’? 

My jaw dropped. 

The first thought that went through my head was ‘you can’t decide whether I will have a glass of wine or not’! It was my teenage self speaking, not wanting someone else telling me what to do! 

Luckily the thought stayed only a thought. Though I had to fight some mind gremlins before I answered: ‘It sounds like you don’t want me to drink wine tonight’. 

‘It makes me scared’, my daughter answered with a serious look on her face, then continued reading her book. 

There I was in that perfect moment, completely chilled out, enjoying the sunset with a plastic cup of California Chardonnay, and my kid doesn’t want me to drink ONE glass of wine! 

Hmmm.  

A bit puzzled, I started to check in with my emotions.  

Memories came back from when I was a kid surrounded by my parents’ friends jamming and having drinks in our basement. Yes, I remember how unpleasant it was when the adults’ personalities suddenly changed. But did I say anything?? No, of course not! 

Back then, I don’t think I would have been able to put into words how I was feeling anyway. I just dwelled within that uncomfortable feeling of loneliness. 

I decided not to finish the wine. Instead, I looked out over the bay and felt a strong sensation of joy.  

‘Joy’? you might ask. Yes, I actually felt joyful. I felt deep gratitude for my daughter’s ability to express her emotions. 

She dares to confront me. 

She knows I will listen. 

She won’t always get what she wants, as such is life, and it’s good that way. BUT she knows that her opinion matters. She hasn’t given up before trying. 

She knows that even though she is still a child, she has the right to ask adults to stop doing things she doesn’t like. 

She matters. 

I matter. And now that I know that (after four years in therapy!), I don’t answer from my rebellious teenage self anymore—at least most of the time…  

This time, the answer comes from my adult self: ‘I understand,’ I said to my daughter. ‘I was a bit different last night after daddy and I had a glass of wine. I get it.’ 

Oh life… the beauty of personal growth!

Boundaries Matter

Sitting on that dock, I remembered a book I had read recently, When the Body Says No, by Dr. Gabor Maté. The book shook me to the core of my being.

I believe it’s the most important book one can read if you take your health seriously. ‘It could save your life’, Peter Levine writes on the cover. 

One line that stuck with me: ‘In important areas of their lives, almost none of my patients with serious disease had ever learned to say no.’

When we welcome the expression of a ‘no‘, either from our child or partner or anyone else, we make them feel that they matter. Their boundary matters! 

How to Build Emotional Competence

So what can we do if we didn’t learn to say no as a child?  

What can we do if we didn’t learn that what we needed mattered?

We need to build emotional competence such as:  

• the ability to express our emotions.

• the capacity to feel our emotions.

• the facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue from the past.

Stress occurs in the absence of these three points. 

A lot of clients come to me because they feel stressed and want to learn how to express their emotions. To be able to express our emotions, we first need to be able to identify them.  

And then learn to feel them. 

In order to feel our emotions, we need to slow down and stop living as if we are on fire!

“Should I just sit there and feel”?? many of my clients ask. Well, ideally, yes. But just sitting there and feeling is not that easy. So I have created something else to do instead—a different way to help you identify your emotions.

Download My Guided Journal

My one-month guided journal TIME TO THRIVE, will help you track what causes you stress and make you feel energised again!

‘Thanks a lot for creating this amazing journal! The journal helped me to recognize the thought patterns that drain me, and helped me identify what I’m avoiding in life. By reflecting on my life every week, I started to develop more honesty with myself, more gratitude in life, and more awareness about my values. I used to be very critical of myself, but writing one thing that I can give myself credit for every week helped me develop more compassion for myself, which is something I have been trying to achieve for a long time. Thank you for creating such a helpful tool. It’s truly life-changing!’

– Mohammed, Manager, Spotify 

Sometimes it can feel a bit overwhelming knowing how much work we need to do to stay healthy and energised. I get that. You’d rather watch another Netflix show or hang out with your family or friends.

But I promise you, the award is HUGE. And all you need to do is take the first step.

Get started today by downloading my FREE journal! I’m offering this valuable guided journal for free to anyone who is ready to commit to their personal growth. 

Stressed about work?

If you know it is work that is the cause of your stress, and you yearn to do something more fulfilling, join my free 4-week online course “Reawaken Your Career Dreams” to get clear on your next career move.

Love,

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